So I've been stopping in at 105.1 fm The Buzz every Friday at 5:30 to gab about this project. Last week, Daria, the show's buxom, brainy hostess, handed me a bottle of pink liquid, commanding me to "drink it."
No, it wasn't Pepto Bismol, though some people have accused me of being full of shit.
Turns out it was something called Vitamin Water, which instantly filled me with apprehension and fear. I like to think of myself as a try-anything kind of guy, but sampling new foods makes me really nervous. Seriously, I was less scared eating fire. For starters, fire doesn’t have any empty calories.
And for a middle-aged gay man, nothing is scarier than empty calories.
Which is why it took me a four whole days to finally try the stuff. I mean, what if it tasted bad? Or what if tasted good and I became addicted and drank it every day until I gained back the sixty pounds I lost—repeatedly?
So I decided first to examine the label. But where the ingredients should be was just a mini-bio of “multi-platinum kelly clarkson.” WTF??? What’s kelly clarkson doing on my Vitamin Water? And why isn’t her name capitalized?
I looked at the other side of the bottle and discovered Vitamin Water contains “vapor distilled deionized and/or reverse osmosis water.”
And/or? What, they couldn’t decide? How can they get away with that? Are there a pair of workers at the bottling plant saying, “I don’t know. Which do you feel like? Vapor distilled deionized or reverse osmosis water.” / “I’m feeling generous today. Let’s do both.”
I then noticed that the second and third ingredients are cane sugar and crystalline fructose, which totally sound like drag queen names, so I figured it couldn’t be that bad. And the buxom, brainy Daria drinks it. As does kelly clarkson.
So I finally drank it. Two words: Kool Aid. New Age Kool Aid. Okay, that’s four words, but you get the idea.
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6 comments:
Sorry Marc, but anything that has sugar in it adds calories to your diet, even if it is cane sugar, or fructose.
Better to drink plain filtered tap water. Iced, for a more sophisticated look. And if you add a few lemon slices to the jar, it is even better. (And you wont add an ounce to your hard earned weight).
I too am aprhensive about vitamin water, which surprises some people who think I'm not very discriminating about what I put in my mouth. (meaning food products!) A neighbor gave me 2 bottles this past winter when I was home sick with the bronchial infection from hell, where, at one point in the illness, I fainted, fell and cut my forehead open. One of the bottles is still in my fridge. Kool-aid was exactly my thought when I read the label. kelly clarkson was absent from my water bottles.
What play(s) are you seeing?
"Title Here"
Starring Sugar and Crystalline, the Fructose Sisters
Total Drag Act!!
I, like Daria, am a huge fan of the stuff. Been drinking it for many years now. I have been off the diet sweetner waggon for over 5 years now. Anything with Aspartame, Sucralose (Splenda), or Saccharin is NOT good for the human body in my opionion. So I am relegated to water, club soda, and natural drinks. I was drinking "lite" orange juice for a while for breakfast but found a bottle of Essential (Orange flavor) Vitamin water has less calories per oz than the OJ which wasn't all that good for me anyway. So I find that although it is a lot like Adult Kool-Aid and it does has some sugary badness in it I don't get all the chemicals and I keep drinking it. Besides....it's so hip!
I've actually frozen the pomegranate-acai-blueberry Vitamin Water into little ice pops. Really tastes good.
I have friends who obsess over every little thing they put in their body, and I think life is too short to worry so much. I'm not fat or sick, and I eat what I want. Sugar and such, I can understand, but I know someone who won't eat meat because of what the animals are fed, won't drink milk because of the added stuff, won't eat eggs because of what the chickens are fed, and goes off on how bad most fruits and vegetables are because they're sprayed or something. Even with those restrictions, he eats my baked goods(Full of eggs, milk, sugar, fruit, etc.) and I see him drinking Arizona tea and eating different forms of junk food all the time. It seems hypocritical to me.
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