Friday, August 1, 2008

New Day #218

Why, yes, that is a bed in a bathtub. Thank you for asking. How come? For today's New Thing, of course: Colonic Hydrotherapy.

And half the readers exit the blog.

Okay, now that it's just us I can tell you all about it. Once again, I took the dubious advice of Storm Large, who is fast becoming my life coach, and went to Chakra 17, which was indeed a chakra to my system. (I debated about taking another friend's recommendation for a place actually called All's Well That Ends Well just for the name alone, but they tried to upsell him for additional sessions, and I abhor upselling.)

At Chakra 17 I was attended to by the very soothing Alec, very soothing being a job requirement for someone who is going to Roto-Rooter your bowels for an hour and fifteen minutes.
Alec's job is something akin to a birthing coach, that is assuming you were giving birth to ten pounds of poo.

"We try to put the God in your anus," said his boss Wendy, and I will admit it's a tingle-inducing, mind-altering experience. What's more, I did say "Holy shit" several times. Because, soothing or not, Alec was still pumping gallons of water up my bum while simultaneously flushing out the contents of my large intestine. Imagine someone draining wax from your ear--with a vacuum.

Afterwards, I felt totally light-headed. Which makes me concerned that I truly must be shit-for-brains. From an emotional standpoint, however, the metaphor is irresistible. I mean, to clear away all of one's accumulated shit--that's a powerful symbol.

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Jeff said...

I guess everyone did stop reading? No comments yet? Well, what can I say about this post....ah....good for you?

maria said...

Such a very Vogue experience.

Debbi said...

Oh man. I feel for ya. I haven't had it 'vaccumed' out, but anything to do with the colon and intestines seem to be mind altering.

...and how does one decide upon a career path involving sucking out poo?

Fran said...

At 50, one is supposed to have a colonoscopy. I put it off for two years because I was nervous.

It was actually not so bad. Especially since I was prepared by the man who eventually wants to be Marc Acito - Dave Barry.

So, how do you feel now, Sweet Marc?

Rick said...

Now you're clean as a whistle.

David said...

Um, no thanks.

Although I'm surprised you didn't find a way to work the phrase "fudge packer" into this post along with everything else.

WindintheWires said...

I think the only reason I kept reading was because I wasn't quite sure what colonic hydrotherapy was.

You've missed a day. . .Did it kill you? Or can you just not think of anything to top colonic hydrotherapy?

"Just David!" said...

thanks for the laugh! hysterical!

gay CME guy said...

Did you weigh yourself before and after? If so, what was the difference?

therese said...

So you became shit-less before the WW conference? Wise move!

I hope it was awesome, I'm sure you were. I wanted to at least stop by and mingle, maybe crash a workshop or banquet. It would have been a new thing for me.