So I've been stopping in at 105.1 fm The Buzz every Friday at 5:30 to gab about this project. Last week, Daria, the show's buxom, brainy hostess, handed me a bottle of pink liquid, commanding me to "drink it."
No, it wasn't Pepto Bismol, though some people have accused me of being full of shit.
Turns out it was something called Vitamin Water, which instantly filled me with apprehension and fear. I like to think of myself as a try-anything kind of guy, but sampling new foods makes me really nervous. Seriously, I was less scared eating fire. For starters, fire doesn’t have any empty calories.
And for a middle-aged gay man, nothing is scarier than empty calories.
Which is why it took me a four whole days to finally try the stuff. I mean, what if it tasted bad? Or what if tasted good and I became addicted and drank it every day until I gained back the sixty pounds I lost—repeatedly?
So I decided first to examine the label. But where the ingredients should be was just a mini-bio of “multi-platinum kelly clarkson.” WTF??? What’s kelly clarkson doing on my Vitamin Water? And why isn’t her name capitalized?
I looked at the other side of the bottle and discovered Vitamin Water contains “vapor distilled deionized and/or reverse osmosis water.”
And/or? What, they couldn’t decide? How can they get away with that? Are there a pair of workers at the bottling plant saying, “I don’t know. Which do you feel like? Vapor distilled deionized or reverse osmosis water.” / “I’m feeling generous today. Let’s do both.”
I then noticed that the second and third ingredients are cane sugar and crystalline fructose, which totally sound like drag queen names, so I figured it couldn’t be that bad. And the buxom, brainy Daria drinks it. As does kelly clarkson.
So I finally drank it. Two words: Kool Aid. New Age Kool Aid. Okay, that’s four words, but you get the idea.
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